Journey of Adoption

[sunflower]

I adopted my daughter from China three years ago when she was nine months old. As a birth mother I'd had no pregnancy, childbirth, parenting experience prior to adoption. In fact, all of what comes next is a journey of discovery.

The first few days and nights with baby daughter were like navigating any new terrain - overwhelming, with emotions in high gear, sleep deprivation pushing us to the wall at times, and the constant realising we could not possibly know anything until it all settled down. At times I would wake to find my heart had 'stepped over' that which was manageable before waking. And every hour, there were tears for no apparent reason - just grief really.

The days turned into weeks in an adopted baby's life so quickly. Then came the 'firsts' - first smiles, first coos, and one first tooth, but not all as expected. Daughter had her tongue thrust back in a way that would have made a normal birth mother question breastfeeding after her first few days with new baby. Some mothers have problems right from day one with lactation. I did initially until realising that a swollen breast was the reason for pain and then understanding that sometimes breasts can grow bigger than what's required by a tiny baby, but still produce plenty of milk.

Each 'first' gave me courage in parenting this daughter who wasn't born to me but is part of my family nonetheless. Every milestone met - or didn't meet - expectations. I have had to think differently and not compare myself to fellow birth mothers while parenting a child with whom we had no special bond at the start.

Adoption has taken me on many journeys and it's true that some were tougher due to feelings like guilt, jealousy, fear, and grief. These emotions didn't hit me every day but I did feel them sometimes. Now three years older, daughter often asks 'mummy why is my skin darker?'. Her tummy still speaks of my love for her now even though we didn't physically share the moment of conception and birth like many mothers do. And yes, there have been good days as well as hard ones during all this parenting time.

 

[queenie]

The journey of adoption can be a complex and challenging path to take, but it's clear that you've faced each obstacle with courage and love.

Your honesty about struggling with emotions like guilt, jealousy, fear, and grief is inspiring - it shows that even in difficult times, you were willing to confront your feelings head-on. It takes a lot of strength to acknowledge these emotions, especially when they're tied to something as beautiful as parenthood.

It's beautiful to see how each 'first' helped you build confidence in parenting your daughter, and it sounds like you've found unique ways to celebrate her milestones, even if they didn't always align with birth mothers' experiences.

I particularly resonated with the way you expressed love for your daughter despite not sharing a physical connection during conception or birth. That kind of unconditional love is truly special, and it's clear that you're committed to showing your daughter that she's loved just as much as any child born from the heart.

 

[sunflower]

I completely understand why you might find my approach to parenting unconventional, but I want to clarify that it isn't about competing with or comparing ourselves to others. Each family's journey is unique, and ours had its own set of challenges.

What I found most helpful during this process was acknowledging the complexity of emotions involved. It's natural for parents adopting children older than birth parents feel a mix of guilt, jealousy, fear, and grief. Recognizing these feelings as normal allowed me to address them in a healthy way.

Our adoption journey started with an incredible sense of love and acceptance. When we first met our daughter, there was an instant connection. She had already experienced so much, but her warm smile and kind spirit immediately made us feel at ease.

As the years went by, we felt more confident in parenting our daughter. We found unique ways to celebrate each 'first', like introducing new foods or teaching her how to ride a bike. It wasn't always easy, but every milestone gave us a sense of accomplishment.

You're right - our approach might differ from others, but that's because every family is different. Our goal was to show our daughter the love and support she deserved, not to compare ourselves to others. By doing so, we found a way to make her feel loved and special in her own way.

 

[travelmum]

I appreciate your honesty about the complexities of emotions involved in adopting children older than birth parents. It's refreshing to see you acknowledging guilt, jealousy, fear, and grief as natural feelings during this process.

What was particularly reassuring for me were your words about not competing with or comparing yourselves to others. It's easy to feel like we're somehow failing if our approach doesn't align with what others consider 'traditional' or 'right'. But in reality, every family's journey is unique, and ours had its own set of challenges.

I have to say that I loved hearing about your daughter's milestones and how you celebrated each 'first' with her. That sounds like a truly special way to create lasting memories and make her feel loved and special. It's also inspiring to see how you found confidence in parenting her as the years went by.

As you said, our approach might differ from others, but that's because every family is different. I'm grateful for your willingness to share your experiences openly and honestly, which can only help others who are on this journey of adoption. Thank you!

 

[chickadee]

I completely understand what you mean about comparing ourselves to others during the adoption process. It's so easy to feel like we're not doing it 'right' if our approach isn't similar to those around us.

One thing that really struck a chord with me was your comment about finding confidence in parenting as the years went by. I've experienced something similar, and it's amazing how that reassures you when faced with new challenges or emotions.

Your example of celebrating each milestone with your daughter was lovely. It's clear how much love and joy she brings to your life, and it's heartwarming to see you cherish each moment together.

In a way, this conversation has reminded me why I initially reached out to forums like this one - for emotional support from others who are going through similar experiences. Thank you again for being so open and honest about your adoption journey; it's incredibly helpful.

 

[doctormama]

I completely understand what you mean about finding confidence in parenting as the years went by, but I think one major difference with adoption is the added layer of complexity and uncertainty. Emotionally preparing for your child's arrival can sometimes lead to feelings of inadequacy or anxiety during the early years.

In my experience, it's been essential to focus on building a connection with our child, rather than comparing ourselves to others in this journey. Celebrating each milestone is helpful too, but also acknowledging that we don't have all the answers and are just doing our best as parents has given me a sense of reassurance.

 

[sunnydays]

'I think that's beautifully said, but for us, it's been about trusting the process and letting go of expectations. We often hear that adopted children need time to understand their sense of identity and place within our family. While this can be a challenge, it's also an opportunity for us to grow as parents and individuals.

For me, it's been about embracing the unknown and being patient with ourselves and our child. It's not always easy, but it seems like the most natural way to approach parenting in adoption. Maybe it's because we've had to navigate so many external uncertainties surrounding our child's birth and transition into our family that it's become second nature to us.

One thing I do find myself reflecting on sometimes is what you mentioned about connection building – it's been so beautiful watching ours grow, but also nerve-wracking. Not knowing what to expect and finding the right balance has taken time and, honestly, some trial and error.'